1.38am
I chose to type in this white box once again. To type incoherently about all the things going through my head right now because I just simply can't fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, it's not that I don't want to sleep.
But there are simply too many things running through my mind.
Or maybe, just because the night didn't end well. The day didn't start off well either. Started of with him talking about having a dream about me getting pregnant and then he asked to go for an abortion and we argued about chinese or western abortion methods in the dream. And I don't really know if this is right but I inferred that that means that he subconsciously also thinks that I'm okay with abortion. But I'm not. We argued for like 30 mins just after I woke up over this issue. And technically we're both not wrong and not right either. (I mean if it was that easy it wouldn't be some controversial issue that we have to think about in SD lessons or GP lessons right.) But to me, it was like a chance to see his moral viewpoint and maybe, his character as well. How he is like as a person. Then it dawned on me that I only knew him for a week before falling for him.
Till now, I still don't know how this works. I don't know how anyone falls in love with someone without fully knowing that person well enough. This doesn't mean that I dont love him. I do. But I don't know how we are so brave, so so brave to give your all- your heart, your body, your soul, how are we so brave to give our everything to someone we don't really know completely? How are we so brave to trust that we will be able to overcome problems together without any consequences?
Or perhaps, with all the hormones and emotions coming into play, all we can think about in that moment is about how much you like that person, how you only think about that person 24/7, how you want that person. You don't think about issues like this.
Like what sophia said to me once, that I still remember because it really made a lot of sense. We were talking about our relationships and she said that she had already dated her boyfriend for already 3 years and I was like wow, you guys are so stable, being able to last this long at this age isn't easy at all. And she said that, yeah, they're lasting quite long and all right now, but because it's their first relationship and they're lasting this long, she will start thinking about issues like, is this really the person she wants to marry? Is this really the person she's going to be with all her life?
The amount of effort, love, tears and hurt you put into a relationship is equivalent to the amount of doubt you have to the future of the relationship. The longer the relationship, the more the doubt. And this is probably only valid because of our current age.
But love is about keeping the promise anyway, I won't run away.
Don't change for me, stay who you are.
-.
NTU open house tomorrow, or rather, today.
I honestly have no idea where I'm going to go in life. It's unfair. It's really really unfair how we have to decide our lives at 18. I understand that we don't have a choice and the system has been like that since forever. But seriously, deciding your lives at 18 is ridiculous. And it's only going to be a waste of resources, money and effort when you get a degree for a course of study you realise it's now what you really want after attaining it.
But that's only for people that have a choice anyway. I don't have a choice.
Like what miss baptist said at the first tutorial lesson of the J2 year. Choose your courses, don't let your courses choose you.
Too bad I didn't heed her advice. Didn't study hard enough, didn't put in enough effort. And I got the results I fully deserve. Horrible results.
DCE/CDA.
Where can I go? Which school would want to take me in?
perhaps not attending the lecture with someone I know is good also, at least I won't be distracted by anything and can listen attentively.
I seriously hate how uncertain my future is.
--.
Who do I want to be? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be with? Is this what I really want? What can I do? How am I going to go about doing it? What do I really want?
So many questions left unanswered that even blogging cannot help me to feel better.
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Sorry for taking it out on you recently. I'm sorry.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
1:58 AM
Saturday, March 8, 2014