Wednesday, March 26, 2014
What hurts the most is what happens after you get off airplane mode.
You realise that no one bothered about you, no one talked to you, no one tweeted you, no one mentioned you in their instagram post or comment.
It's as if it really doesn't matter if you didn't even own a phone with data plan or rather, it doesn't even matter whether you own a phone or not because no one gives a shit about you.
No. one. cares.
If I don't get on airplane mode, I can happily lie to myself that you're busy, watching a drama maybe (I recommended it didn't I). I can stalk your last seen and maybe be upset that you went online but didn't bother talking to me or be glad that you didn't go online at all actually.
Getting on airplane mode and getting zilch notification is a whole new level.
If you thought getting ignored after stalking someone's last seen, please do try the airplane mode and get even more upset than you've ever been your entire life.
I don't know if this is too much of an expectation. Is chatting on wa too much of an expectation? Is wanting to hear about what happened in your day too much of an expectation? I don't know why but I get the urge to tell you everything that happens in my life, instantly, whatever happened at that moment. I want you to be the first to know. I want you to know if I'm happy, if I'm sad or angry or whatever.
Perhaps, the only real expectation here is to expect you to want to do the same with me.
I expect you to tell me about all your daily happenings, what happened at work, what happened in the train, did someone release the handgrip on your head again?
The real reason why I got so affected the last time you told me about your ex talking to you on wa is not because she talked to you but because you didn't tell me. I understand you don't want me to get affected but what hurts more than being affected by something like this is being kept in the dark about what is happening. okay, maybe not so much of being kept in the dark but more of, I would totally tell you the moment it happened to me if it did but you didn't tell me.
That's the biggest problem with me I guess. I expect people to do the same to me as I do unto them. I expect people to be nice to me when I'm nice to them. I expect people to put in the same amount of effort into birthday presents if I put in lots of effort for theirs, I keep count who I gave presents to and who didnt give presents to me. I expect people to reply me fast and efficiently, because I reply people instantaneously. I expect,,, a lot from people.
How on earth do you actually stop expecting so much from people? How do you be selfless and give without expecting any return?
This feeling sucks, I'm on airplane mode again. And I'm scared, I'm scared of getting off it. I'm afraid, so afraid that there'll be no notifications.
I'm afraid.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
11:03 PM
1.38am
I chose to type in this white box once again. To type incoherently about all the things going through my head right now because I just simply can't fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, it's not that I don't want to sleep.
But there are simply too many things running through my mind.
Or maybe, just because the night didn't end well. The day didn't start off well either. Started of with him talking about having a dream about me getting pregnant and then he asked to go for an abortion and we argued about chinese or western abortion methods in the dream. And I don't really know if this is right but I inferred that that means that he subconsciously also thinks that I'm okay with abortion. But I'm not. We argued for like 30 mins just after I woke up over this issue. And technically we're both not wrong and not right either. (I mean if it was that easy it wouldn't be some controversial issue that we have to think about in SD lessons or GP lessons right.) But to me, it was like a chance to see his moral viewpoint and maybe, his character as well. How he is like as a person. Then it dawned on me that I only knew him for a week before falling for him.
Till now, I still don't know how this works. I don't know how anyone falls in love with someone without fully knowing that person well enough. This doesn't mean that I dont love him. I do. But I don't know how we are so brave, so so brave to give your all- your heart, your body, your soul, how are we so brave to give our everything to someone we don't really know completely? How are we so brave to trust that we will be able to overcome problems together without any consequences?
Or perhaps, with all the hormones and emotions coming into play, all we can think about in that moment is about how much you like that person, how you only think about that person 24/7, how you want that person. You don't think about issues like this.
Like what sophia said to me once, that I still remember because it really made a lot of sense. We were talking about our relationships and she said that she had already dated her boyfriend for already 3 years and I was like wow, you guys are so stable, being able to last this long at this age isn't easy at all. And she said that, yeah, they're lasting quite long and all right now, but because it's their first relationship and they're lasting this long, she will start thinking about issues like, is this really the person she wants to marry? Is this really the person she's going to be with all her life?
The amount of effort, love, tears and hurt you put into a relationship is equivalent to the amount of doubt you have to the future of the relationship. The longer the relationship, the more the doubt. And this is probably only valid because of our current age.
But love is about keeping the promise anyway, I won't run away.
Don't change for me, stay who you are.
-.
NTU open house tomorrow, or rather, today.
I honestly have no idea where I'm going to go in life. It's unfair. It's really really unfair how we have to decide our lives at 18. I understand that we don't have a choice and the system has been like that since forever. But seriously, deciding your lives at 18 is ridiculous. And it's only going to be a waste of resources, money and effort when you get a degree for a course of study you realise it's now what you really want after attaining it.
But that's only for people that have a choice anyway. I don't have a choice.
Like what miss baptist said at the first tutorial lesson of the J2 year. Choose your courses, don't let your courses choose you.
Too bad I didn't heed her advice. Didn't study hard enough, didn't put in enough effort. And I got the results I fully deserve. Horrible results.
DCE/CDA.
Where can I go? Which school would want to take me in?
perhaps not attending the lecture with someone I know is good also, at least I won't be distracted by anything and can listen attentively.
I seriously hate how uncertain my future is.
--.
Who do I want to be? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be with? Is this what I really want? What can I do? How am I going to go about doing it? What do I really want?
So many questions left unanswered that even blogging cannot help me to feel better.
---.
Sorry for taking it out on you recently. I'm sorry.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
1:58 AM
