I achieved all of that didn't I. I'm the AHTC of my class, I'm the treasurer of guzheng (although it isn't some high-ass position but at least it's still part of exco.) And now because I'm the AHTC, I'm offered the chance to go for OBS, global OBS at that. 

I managed to get all that I wanted. But no, my mother doesn't understand that not everyone can go for OBS. She doesn't know that I need to get my portfolio to look right to cover up my failure in secondary school. My testimonial from SN was fucking ugly because I had nothing. No leadership positions, no competitions. Nothing. Zilch. I understand that it's costly. But it's not like we can't afford it. It's not a fucking valid reason. You have to worry about me. When have you ever stopped worrying about me. How fucking long did it take for me to be able to go out with friends without you sending me there. How old was I when I took a bus or the train by myself. I'm too sheltered, do you see that? No. How am I supposed to fucking grow up if you continue to restrain me. I have a backbone problem. Okay, fine I have nothing to say about that. But others also go for OBS with injuries. And it's not like it's fucking serious or anything. 

I just don't want to leave CJ with so much regrets like how I did when I graduated from St. Nicks. Don't fucking do this to me. Please. 

And I don't even have time to come to a compromise with her because I have to tell my home tutor if I want to go or not tomorrow. AND I FUCKING WANT TO. 

I just, I just really don't want to lose any chance, any opportunities. I was such a fucking failure in SN. I don't want that to repeat again. Don't ask me what about those that cannot go and how nothing will happen to them. BUT WHY DON'T YOU LET ME GO SINCE I HAVE THAT FUCKING CHANCE, AND PRECISELY. NOT EVERYONE CAN GO I CAN AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ALLOW ME? 

#okaycan

It's been a long time since I've felt so frustrated and annoyed and pissed off that I've cried silent tears. 

I don't know what to think about anymore because she's not completely wrong for not letting me go and I have my reasons too.