Tuesday, June 26, 2012
When I received the text that I've been posted to CJC, I told myself that I'll make the best of what I can get. I told myself that I mustmustmust try my best to get into CMC, I told myself that I mustmustmust get into a decent CCA and get into EXCO. When they had the leadership talks during orientation, I told myself that I mustmustmust go for OBS.
I achieved all of that didn't I. I'm the AHTC of my class, I'm the treasurer of guzheng (although it isn't some high-ass position but at least it's still part of exco.) And now because I'm the AHTC, I'm offered the chance to go for OBS, global OBS at that.
I managed to get all that I wanted. But no, my mother doesn't understand that not everyone can go for OBS. She doesn't know that I need to get my portfolio to look right to cover up my failure in secondary school. My testimonial from SN was fucking ugly because I had nothing. No leadership positions, no competitions. Nothing. Zilch. I understand that it's costly. But it's not like we can't afford it. It's not a fucking valid reason. You have to worry about me. When have you ever stopped worrying about me. How fucking long did it take for me to be able to go out with friends without you sending me there. How old was I when I took a bus or the train by myself. I'm too sheltered, do you see that? No. How am I supposed to fucking grow up if you continue to restrain me. I have a backbone problem. Okay, fine I have nothing to say about that. But others also go for OBS with injuries. And it's not like it's fucking serious or anything.
I just don't want to leave CJ with so much regrets like how I did when I graduated from St. Nicks. Don't fucking do this to me. Please.
And I don't even have time to come to a compromise with her because I have to tell my home tutor if I want to go or not tomorrow. AND I FUCKING WANT TO.
I just, I just really don't want to lose any chance, any opportunities. I was such a fucking failure in SN. I don't want that to repeat again. Don't ask me what about those that cannot go and how nothing will happen to them. BUT WHY DON'T YOU LET ME GO SINCE I HAVE THAT FUCKING CHANCE, AND PRECISELY. NOT EVERYONE CAN GO I CAN AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ALLOW ME?
#okaycan
It's been a long time since I've felt so frustrated and annoyed and pissed off that I've cried silent tears.
I don't know what to think about anymore because she's not completely wrong for not letting me go and I have my reasons too.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
10:32 PM
Sunday, June 24, 2012
what is fucking life. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
Let's all go take the fall.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
2:10 PM
Saturday, June 23, 2012
http://stopthe-pretence.blogspot.sg/2012/03/truth-behind-my-jc-life.html?m=1
Seems like everybody is talking about this post tonight. Mixed feelings after I read this blog post. It's really well written.
At first I thought that what this girl, xinlin, went through, was rather similar to how I felt in SNsecondary. Just, it's really different I guess. JC and secondary. The difference between the two is too different to be able to do a proper comparison. But it's similar, similar.
The post made me want to study, made me want to work harder. But then as I continued reading on the car on the way home. I thought about how I've not done a single bit of revision this June holiday. I did nothing. I really really did nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do for promos. I don't know how I'm going to continue going on. She had dance, she was passionate about dancing and she'd be suspended if she failed or something. But I'd probably rejoice if I was suspended from guzheng. Not that I hate guzheng, just I don't really care about it? I don't particularly like it anyway.
School is going to reopen on Monday, and I still have so much homework undone. I don't know what to expect for term 3. I don't know what to expect, what to do.
I don't even like anything that I'm studying now. I don't know what I want to do in the future. I don't even know how to go about applying for a university after A levels. I don't even know if I can promote to JC2. I don't even know shit about scholarships (think they're all over already anyway.) I don't want what I can do about life after CJ.
"
Our grades will get us to somewhere, somehow and it will most likely be the best for us (: "
I really like this line. Because my O levels results brought me to CJ and I think life in CJ is much better than what I had expected and perhaps, this is really most likely what is the best for me.
Life still goes on.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
10:02 PM
Monday, June 18, 2012
Service learning project is finally over. Painted and cleaned a three room flat completely with the class. 7 people also went over and painted a one room flat. It would have been easy, but it wasn't the case for me because I was in the planning committee which meant all the saikang. Planning the thing certainly wasn't easy and at the end of the day only three people including me actually continued on with the thing and didn't pon meetings and stuff. But, I'm glad it's finally over. Body is still aching since I don't even bother to clean my own room.
One more week to the end of the June holidays. Two SPAs, CA3 and promos coming up next. I'm really not prepared for anything, haven't even finished holiday homework yet, I'm pretty much screwed for semester 2. I really can't believe half a year just passed by like that. I mean, it's like what have I been doing with my life man. Can't afford to screw up more. Time to study. Really. D:
oh, on a lighter note, I lost about 2 kg this hols although I ate a lot. Hope that I can lose like 1 more kg before height and weight during pe lessons!
Oh and on a heavy note, lol heavy. My pe exemption only lasts till the end of august and august will be coming soon. Damnnnnnn );
?You're like a queen and beautiful
11:02 AM
Friday, June 8, 2012
I think that the sheer amount of makeup that I use only shows how fucking insecure I am.
But actually, I wouldn't say that it's a lot but I just can't help but feel ugly everytime I step out of the house without eyeliner. I guess the fact that majority of my friends don't use makeup kinda makes the situation worse. I don't know. But makeup has its bad points too. I'm not talking about clogged up pores and what not. I'm talking about that horrible feeling that overwhelmes me whenever I remove my makeup at the end of the day. It's like how the clock strikes twelve and I'll have to be ugly again. Guess this is the reason why I really want a nose job in the future. Aha. Because makeup is nothing hit permanent makeup isn't it. If you can spend time using concealer and dark brown eyeshadow to do nose contouring why not just go for rhinoplasty and solve the problem once and for all? At least there won't be that horrible feeling of 'damn I'm ugly' at the end of each day.
Life goes on.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
12:46 AM
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Got lost at bedok today. I trusted JW when she told me to get on bus 60/87 to get to kaki bukit CC. Turns out they were the buses to kaki bukit centre. WHICH IS BLOODY PRISON SCHOOL. HAHAHA. DAFUQ. I got on the bus for like a few stops and I was like. '....where am i' Texted her and she was like 'supposed to be after two stops!!" and I was already 4/5 stops away from the interchange lol. Got down at some random bus stop with not a single soul and sight and went DAFUQ AM I out loud as the bus drove away. AND I WAS ALL ALONE ;____;
Anyway, the planning committee for slp went down to kaki bukit today to look at the condition of the houses that the class is going to help repaint plus clean up. All I can say is, I feel fortunate. );
Though some people are really misusing the rental flat system. Seriously, they're for the needy people. And some of them have what flat screen tv, karoke system and what not. Seriously?
Quite excited for slp project actually. Although I know I'll get pissed at some people and it'll be fucking tiring and messy and stuff. but I think I'll feel happy after that HAHA.
Don't know what this incoherent post is about. I've been going out so much everyday WHAT KIND OF HOLIDAY IS THIS. And I'm going back to school for slp discussion tomorrow. And then I've OG lunch on friday. And I went out this whole week from monday to today. uhfg. my life.
相遇可以是寂寞的開始。
?You're like a queen and beautiful
12:01 AM
Friday, June 1, 2012
今天，二零一二年六月一日。
今天，感覺有點寂寞，有點無奈。
Holidays were supposed to start one week ago.
Holiday? What holiday?
So, stalker!trini decided to have a comeback. I started stalking this guy from the class that stands next to mine during assembly (why am I so stupid). I didn't stalk him on purpose I guess, he just appeared under my who to follow in twitter and his twitter description was about kpop. So I just clicked on the tumblr link. And holy crap. His tumblr is so nice. I backtracked about what 390+ pages already? And then I did the stupidest thing on earth -,- I followed him. And he followed back. And my tumblr has photos of myself. (WHY AM I SO FUCKING STUPID. FAILEST STALKER EVER.) And yeah, so he added me on fb and we talked to each other for two days. Today is the third day, and well. He initiated the conversation the first day after he added me I think. And I initiated yesterday. I didn't want to initiate today. And he didn't either so... I guess this is where it ends. HAHA. It was a fun experience making friends through tumblr though.
It wasn't completely random I guess. I mean. He sat at my table during the combined lit class that was conducted in my home class. And I just so happen to need to go back and take my lecture notes that are under my table. And he was so nice. And he just so happened to forgot about his lit file that he left under my table. And i was went all the way to his class to return it to him like the nice girl I am. HAHA. So we arn't complete strangers I guess.
It was weird.
Amanda said that she wanted to make friends the cool way too. I told her to put her number down on one of the tables in the lecture theater and write 'call me maybe' next to it. Told quite a lot of people that idea and they all said that I'm crazy.
Maybe. But it's a cool idea isn't it. HAHA. Too much mangas. ;___;
?You're like a queen and beautiful
10:59 PM
