I've made many posts last time about quitting kpop, about quitting suju, about quitting fandom. They never came true. But this time, it's real. I'm quitting kpop, suju and fandom for real.

I don't know if it's the hectic JC life, or time that made my love for SJ fade. 3 years is a long time, it had been an eventful 3 years in fandom. I loved it, and it'll always be one of the best part of my life. At least when I look back in the future, I'll be happy to think that I've done something worthwhile. Yes, it's a pity. When I stare at my box full of DBSK and SJ albums. A waste of money indeed. Because I never really loved SJ songs. I just loved them and bought the albums to support them. I stare at my posters, and wonder why on earth did I buy all of these papers. I stare at my photobook and wonder why the hell was I so adamant on buying it. I stare at my playlist with 821 kpop songs and wonder why did I download all these crap. Sure, most of the ballads are gorgeous and I still love them and listen to them. But about 100% of the title songs are only catchy songs that I lose interest in after listening after about say, less than 50 times? I still find yesung's voice really sexy though. My love for his voice will not change, that I can be sure of.

So, today is the first night for SS4 in Singapore. Siwon and Donghae arrived in Singapore on thursday. They had a meet and greet session at plaza singapura. They went to teck whye secondary on friday. For the first time ever, I did nothing. In fact, I was in the library practicing math while they hugged girls in the secondary school. I was studying while Ziting stalked them with Tricia.

The only reason why I can't bear to break away fully from the fandom is because of Z to be honest. Because my friendship with her was built on fandom. Which is quite a sad thing, truthfully. Sometimes, other than fandom, I don't know what to talk to her about. And now that I don't stalk with her, I feel like our friendship is going to fall apart soon. In fact, we already had a few arguments even before I felt like I'm losing my love for kpop. She gets angry with me and she shows it. But the thing is, I often get pissed off with her too, but she never knows...Because I don't want to show it, because things will get worse and worse. So I hide it, bottle it up. There was this time where I went over to her house for a drama session. I bought subway for us for lunch. We had this conversation on the bus which was rather unclear as I had to carry our lunch together with drinks and cookies mind you and I was alighting. I almost toppled the drinks. Did she know? No, she doesn't. And so I walked to her house, carrying the fucking heavy lunch. Only to have her frustrated and pissed off at me because she said that we were supposed to meet outside cold storage in heartland mall! "I'm really really angry at you trini." Was what she said. I hung up and said "fuck you." to my phone. Does she know? No, she doesn't. And so I had quite a terrible day at her house, since the drama wasn't even that interesting. And till date, she hasn't returned me the money for lunch. Do I care? No, I don't. Because sometimes, it's not the money that matter. What matters is that I was really really angry with her when I went into her house but she was jumping around saying that she's really pissed off with me while I tie my hair and try to calm myself down telling her to have "mind control" (like what I'm doing.)

Sometimes I wonder, why do I even bother making friends anymore.

And now,, we don't talk much. Because she's busy stalking SJ with T, something she would have done with me if I still had as much love for SJ. Perhaps, it's time for all these to be over.

It feels quite good to get that incident off my chest because I never said it to anyone.

Bittersweet.

Tomorrow marks the end of my journey with SJ for 3 years. SS4SG second night.

Goodbye.

I have many things to say, but I don't have the time, and I don't think I'd ever have the time. And I'd probably forget all the things that I want to say now sooner or later. But I guess, this blog will have to dead for quite awhile.

I need to change.

I want to change.