Saturday, December 24, 2011
And suddenly on the eve of Christmas 2011, I feel so absurdly pathetic and lonely.
Christmas had never mattered to me, still doesn't in fact. But while everyone is out there partying away and busy gift-wrapping and writing Christmas cards, I'm just lying down on my bed watching episodes after episodes of dramas and animes.
I actually just want someone to talk to. But I go on msn, and only my brother is online. I don't know where the one hundred and six people on my contact list went to.
I suppose this is how you live life when you're single and without a single friend there for you all the time.
Well well, I know that my laptop will always be there for me, until it dies that is, but I hope it doesn't.
It's all I have now.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
10:50 PM
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Hello, my empty space :)
Well, I came back from my awesome Korea holiday quite a while ago. It was fun. And fun is just an understatement I guess. I wished I went during summer though. The clothes I see all the time on tumblr are all unavailable because it's winter. Loved the snowwwwww. <3 Suju land, but I did not manage to see them. Funny how I only get to see them when they come to my country, but when I go over. Nothinggggg.
This is not the main point of this post though.
-.
Sometimes, I really think that something is really majorly wrong with me. I talk to myself. I write on papers, talking to myself. I type on word document, talking to myself. Then I tear up the pieces of paper and close the word document file without saving. I'm on my way to becoming a major psychopath.
I lie down on my bed staring at my white ceiling, but it's not white, and not exactly black either. Deep in the night, where the photoreceptors, cones they call it, in my eyes don't respond. And the rods? (Shit, I'm forgetting all that I've studied.) that only respond to black and white come into some kind of use.
But anyway, I lie down on my bed staring at my ceiling and think about all kinds of useless things. Things that I think about so often, and yet I can never come to a conclusion about them.
Like how, I think I'm actually really,, shy. And anti-social. Perhaps, they really are the wrong terms. I mean, anyone that are friends with me would probably recognise me as a brash and loud girl. No where near shy. Nothing. But, no. Yeah, that's me alright. But that's only when I'm suitably comfortable with a whole group of people. Main point being: with a whole group of people. When I'm alone with someone. Just the two of us, it doesn't matter how close we are, how close I think we are. It doesn't matter. The words just don't come out. My bode stiffens. And I act like there's nothing wrong with me. Talking about acting, I think I've became amazingly good at it. Like how my feet were hurting like a motherfucker during prom night but sarah and lianne barely noticed until I told them I need to sit or else my legs are going to die. I can't even bring myself to call someone. Someone that I think I'm quite comfortable with. This is like a conversation I had with Venetia, over the phone, sometime last year. (Why do I remember things so clearly.) I was standing by the window, staring out at Bishan. I think no one except my brother ever knows that whenever I receive a call on my handphone, I just can't sit down and talk comfortably. I walk around the whole fucking house. Staring at things, touching things all the time while holding a conversation with my friend, when I could be lying down on my bed or sitting down on my chair in front of the computer. I just, can't. Venetia said that she was always the one calling me, and that I never called her. That's, true. I never initiated calls. Unless you're talking about breaking Super Junior news that are on the net. And I have to call Ziting to spazz and fangirl. That's a whole different story, because when I'm fangirling, my whole rational side disappears. Perhaps, this is why I drift apart from people so easily. I used to think that I'm quite affectionate. But no, no one ever knows what I'm thinking. Not even my closest friends (if I even have any). Sounds quite loserly sad, sadly.
ending off with a secret garden spazz.
HYUN BIN'S NOSE IS SO PERFECT.
weird, I know.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
12:37 AM
