This is going on for the second consecutive time. This is not because of the drama though. The drama is progressing really well. And now I'm just a tad bit confused if the person I like is Cha Seungwon himself or Dok Gojin. Dok Gojin is the person that Cha Seungwon plays in the drama. Sigh. Equally cool. The both of them. The drama has really nice Osts though, especially G.NA's. Really like it.

This post is not supposed to be about the drama anyway.

Today, I found out that they're going for the make up workshop thing. Let's just be honest about everything. After all, I've been keeping things in for too long. Gen, this post is for you. I don't know if you still visit my blog. My stats says otherwise. But, if one day you chance upon this...

When I first saw the tweet. My toes went cold, like literally. I myself don't really know what caused that sort of a reaction. I thought about it. At first I was like, it's because I really really don't like her. Then I was like, maybe it's because you knew all along and didn't tell me. Of course, all these were just assumptions. I'm sorry for assuming by the way. When I texted you and you replied, my first reaction was to type "Fuck no. Wth." when I received your reply. I never did send it though. Because I didn't want you to feel sad because of me again. So I didn't reply. I took a really really long time before replying to your messages on msn. Because I didn't know what to say. And not because I don't want to talk to you. But it's always like this. I get pissed off. Then when I see your tweets on twitter. I feel as if it's my fault for getting angry over something insignificant. As much as it seemed significant enough for me to get so pissed. Then it's as if I got pissed without a valid reason. Made me seem like a bitch all over. And honestly, this isn't the first time this happened. Happened all the time, but I never said anything about it. Never wanted to say it. Which is probably why our friendship became stagnant like this. I rarely even know what to say anymore. I tried many times to rephrase my words to tell you that I don't want to go for the make up workshop. I really wanted to tell you. But I don't know how to word my feelings. I guess partly because I was really looking forward to attending the classes with you. And no, I can't just ignore and deal with it. It may seem like not much of a big deal. Actually, thinking about it now. It really is not really much of a big deal. I could have dealt with this matter much more maturely and rationally. I don't really exactly know why I'm acting like this now anyway. There are many many times where you made me feel really guilty over how I'm like as a friend. So I think, maybe you're better off without me as a best friend anyway. Best friends don't feel guilty towards each other. Best friends, don't bitch about each other behind their backs. Yeah, I did do that. I'm sorry. But, saying sorry right now doesn't really matter anymore. I don't deserve to be your best friend. I'm not a true friend at all. I don't know how to be one because of my fucked up personality. I don't even know if I'd have the guts to post this. Or perhaps, this would remain as a draft forever in this small space. Just like how I never told you how I felt about many things. I forgot when was the last time this happened between us. Where we really stopped talking for a long time. I visited your blog. Saw the posts, knew that you were talking to me. Used google translate to translate your japanese posts, and realised that my name was in there, in japanese of course. Those were the times where I felt really guilty towards you. But I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry. I never wanted things to end up like this. But seeing your photos with her today. You're really better off without me. Lesser tears, lesser emotional moments. Lesser crying yourself to sleep or what not.

EDIT:

Okay, so I didn't have the guts to post this up last night. Because I was a crying mess and what not. Saved this as a draft and went to bed to stone till 2am before finally drifting off to sleep. Woke up, and felt much better. And now, I don't exactly feel anything at all after rereading what I typed out yesterday. Heartfelt words really, from last night.