an empty one at that. Had wanted to blog for awhile, but I'm too lazy to, too lazy lazing around.. .__. Had my first manicure despite going for tons of pedicure before on the night before prom, which was on the 22nd of november, 2011. I'm so glad it's over anyway, prom is such a chore. I had to worry about my dress, my hair, my nails, prom letters that I rushed out on the afternoon of prom day (night) sigh. Regret not being able to find people to join in for a stayover at the hotel. Sucks that my friends are all over the place, and I fit in with neither group. Looking over the prom photos, all I can say is that my arms are honestly are too fat. And make-up supposedly does wonders, but I look kind of gross in them .___. Enough about prom already anyway.

Going to catch you're the apple of my eye and in time with Gen tomorrow ^^ Like finallllllllllly, been such a long time since I wanted to watch them... since before Os ended. .___.

Then, I'm going to catch breaking dawn (AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA) with sonia, sarah and lianne on monday. And some SJ stalking on tuesday.

I feel quite bad/ there's this unsettling feeling in me 'cause I'm not going for MAMA. Even though it's not an SJ only event, I'd once said (make this many times) that I'll never let go of a chance to see them live. Well,,, I am going to stalk and try my luck with airport and red carpet. But I just can't believe that I'm not actually going for MAMA itself :/

Oh well, till I come back from Korea,

tata~

While I'm just... not enjoying mine.

Btw. Why is blogger's box blue out of a sudden ._______.

AHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHA,

I'm ridiculous :)

This is going on for the second consecutive time. This is not because of the drama though. The drama is progressing really well. And now I'm just a tad bit confused if the person I like is Cha Seungwon himself or Dok Gojin. Dok Gojin is the person that Cha Seungwon plays in the drama. Sigh. Equally cool. The both of them. The drama has really nice Osts though, especially G.NA's. Really like it.

This post is not supposed to be about the drama anyway.

Today, I found out that they're going for the make up workshop thing. Let's just be honest about everything. After all, I've been keeping things in for too long. Gen, this post is for you. I don't know if you still visit my blog. My stats says otherwise. But, if one day you chance upon this...

When I first saw the tweet. My toes went cold, like literally. I myself don't really know what caused that sort of a reaction. I thought about it. At first I was like, it's because I really really don't like her. Then I was like, maybe it's because you knew all along and didn't tell me. Of course, all these were just assumptions. I'm sorry for assuming by the way. When I texted you and you replied, my first reaction was to type "Fuck no. Wth." when I received your reply. I never did send it though. Because I didn't want you to feel sad because of me again. So I didn't reply. I took a really really long time before replying to your messages on msn. Because I didn't know what to say. And not because I don't want to talk to you. But it's always like this. I get pissed off. Then when I see your tweets on twitter. I feel as if it's my fault for getting angry over something insignificant. As much as it seemed significant enough for me to get so pissed. Then it's as if I got pissed without a valid reason. Made me seem like a bitch all over. And honestly, this isn't the first time this happened. Happened all the time, but I never said anything about it. Never wanted to say it. Which is probably why our friendship became stagnant like this. I rarely even know what to say anymore. I tried many times to rephrase my words to tell you that I don't want to go for the make up workshop. I really wanted to tell you. But I don't know how to word my feelings. I guess partly because I was really looking forward to attending the classes with you. And no, I can't just ignore and deal with it. It may seem like not much of a big deal. Actually, thinking about it now. It really is not really much of a big deal. I could have dealt with this matter much more maturely and rationally. I don't really exactly know why I'm acting like this now anyway. There are many many times where you made me feel really guilty over how I'm like as a friend. So I think, maybe you're better off without me as a best friend anyway. Best friends don't feel guilty towards each other. Best friends, don't bitch about each other behind their backs. Yeah, I did do that. I'm sorry. But, saying sorry right now doesn't really matter anymore. I don't deserve to be your best friend. I'm not a true friend at all. I don't know how to be one because of my fucked up personality. I don't even know if I'd have the guts to post this. Or perhaps, this would remain as a draft forever in this small space. Just like how I never told you how I felt about many things. I forgot when was the last time this happened between us. Where we really stopped talking for a long time. I visited your blog. Saw the posts, knew that you were talking to me. Used google translate to translate your japanese posts, and realised that my name was in there, in japanese of course. Those were the times where I felt really guilty towards you. But I didn't do much about it. I'm sorry. I never wanted things to end up like this. But seeing your photos with her today. You're really better off without me. Lesser tears, lesser emotional moments. Lesser crying yourself to sleep or what not.

EDIT:

Okay, so I didn't have the guts to post this up last night. Because I was a crying mess and what not. Saved this as a draft and went to bed to stone till 2am before finally drifting off to sleep. Woke up, and felt much better. And now, I don't exactly feel anything at all after rereading what I typed out yesterday. Heartfelt words really, from last night.

Everyone is sound asleep.

Tip, tap, tip,tap,,,,tip.

There's only the sound of my fingers tapping away at the keyboard. Even my brother is asleep. And so during times like this, I feel sad.

Not exactly the usual emotional thing. But is there a better word for sad? I don't know. My limited vocabulary bank doesn't allow that.

So I've been thinking, thinking about the course of today. How similar it is, how different it is. It's not exactly different, apart from the fact that I took my HCL paper this morning. This morning where i had a banter with Jasmine, over a staple. Things like this make me happy, they make me feel as if I don't have a reason at all to feel this way-the way I'm feeling right now.

It's different, because it'll all disappear soon. The shabby old holding site, complete with a brand new campus that looks like a shopping mall. None of them belongs to me. Spent the most important two years of my secondary school education here. Yeah, I guess I'll miss it, to a certain extent.

Nothing in my post right now is making sense. Is it?

I'm so easily affected my the dramas that I watch.

So, I'm currently really infatuated with a forty-one years old korean man called Cha Seungwon. He married at the age of eighteen and has a twenty-two years old son and a nine years old daughter. But I like him, I don't even know why.

And so I'm currently watching his latest drama- The greatest love. It's really good :) Really funny at the beginning. A large transformation I'd say. From the cool/sexy/hot guy in Athena/T-ara's cry cry mv. To a totally funny and cute guy. Yeah, I like him.

Just finished the 6th episode of the drama. Not feeling good now because of it. Because of all the misunderstandings that are happening in the drama. Good intentions that eventually that lead to bad consequences. These things happen in our life all the time don't they.

Sometimes, I still think about you. And how I can't believe I actually used to like you. So this is what they say, it's only when you take a step back can you see how foolish you are. Taking a step back is like the antidote for the love juice in MSND.

I don't have access to anyone.

Sometimes, I don't have access to myself.

Sometimes, I wish this was a different world, I'm a different person, in a different place, leading a different life.

Sometimes, I wish nothing would change and everything would be like how it is.

I'd still be the ridiculously bad and mean friend I am right now. All those tweets that people retweet on twitter, talking about how true friends don't bitch about each other. I admit it, I admit to everything, I don't deserve to have true friends, because I am not one myself. Because sometimes, I don't even know what I want in a friend.

What I want, is of insignificant importance of course.

After all, I'm just one of the billions of the people in the world. A mere statistic.

Gosh,,,,, it's been a jolly long time since I entered fandom heehee. And a really really long times since the day my thirteen men entered SM Ent. and trained and trained and trained- just to get dissed by the Leesooman himself that out of the whole group he chose a few to be the best (which was TVXQ) and the rest were to be dissolved but since they had a contract he couldn't. So he formed a project group with SJ and ohohohoho, the results to him were shocking. oh fuck you, you should be surprised for underestimating SJ's potential.

Sad to say that I had not been with SJ since the very beginning six years ago to witness their debut stage of TWINS where you can't even see yesung for around 3 seconds. Donghae's poodle hair, Heechul's scary cinderella hair, and when kangin was actually skinny. Sad to say that I had not been there either when kyuhyun joined and SJ received their first win from promoting U. Oh my crybabies ;____; Eunhyuk's tears, he cried so much You guys deserved it.

I'm even more embarrased to say that I only entered the SJ fandom when kibum starting to become MIA. When sorry sorry was introduced into kpop. When the hallyu wave started in Singapore, where all the disgusting people started joining kpop. But I entered, and I thought it would have been short-lived like how my love for dbsk ended after a short period of 5 months. But no, I stayed because I can't leave. ): Even now when Heechul had left for the army, and it has only been a while since he joined, so many months more till his discharge from the army. Will I stay till then? I'm not sure myself, but I think so, and I hope so. One by one, I witnessed the members leaving... Cried buckets when Hankyung's lawsuit started. Couldn't believe all that he was saying during chinese interviews. Getting torn between, hating hankyung for making Heechul all emo FOR THREE WHOLE MONTHS and not wanting him to leave so that SJ will be complete. And Kangin's DUI accident, and he enlisted, and grew fatter. oh the irony. BUT HE'S GOING TO DISCHARGE SOON. OMGOMGOGMOG. I MISS HIS VOICE SO MUCHHH. And then now Heechul's gone.

From 13 members that couldn't sqeeze into a photo and when they're in one photo you have to squit to look at each member, to a pathetic photo with lots of empty spaces around the members- 9 members. How miserable.

I spent a great lot of time, and a great lot of money on kpop, and on SJ. But it was all worth it I would say.

Just, HAPPY SIXTH ANNIVERSARY SUPERJUNIOR, and stop losing members.

COME BACK ALREADY. ALL OF YOU.