Tuesday, August 5, 2014
genuinefacade.wordpress.com
?You're like a queen and beautiful
12:31 AM
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
What hurts the most is what happens after you get off airplane mode.
You realise that no one bothered about you, no one talked to you, no one tweeted you, no one mentioned you in their instagram post or comment.
It's as if it really doesn't matter if you didn't even own a phone with data plan or rather, it doesn't even matter whether you own a phone or not because no one gives a shit about you.
No. one. cares.
If I don't get on airplane mode, I can happily lie to myself that you're busy, watching a drama maybe (I recommended it didn't I). I can stalk your last seen and maybe be upset that you went online but didn't bother talking to me or be glad that you didn't go online at all actually.
Getting on airplane mode and getting zilch notification is a whole new level.
If you thought getting ignored after stalking someone's last seen, please do try the airplane mode and get even more upset than you've ever been your entire life.
I don't know if this is too much of an expectation. Is chatting on wa too much of an expectation? Is wanting to hear about what happened in your day too much of an expectation? I don't know why but I get the urge to tell you everything that happens in my life, instantly, whatever happened at that moment. I want you to be the first to know. I want you to know if I'm happy, if I'm sad or angry or whatever.
Perhaps, the only real expectation here is to expect you to want to do the same with me.
I expect you to tell me about all your daily happenings, what happened at work, what happened in the train, did someone release the handgrip on your head again?
The real reason why I got so affected the last time you told me about your ex talking to you on wa is not because she talked to you but because you didn't tell me. I understand you don't want me to get affected but what hurts more than being affected by something like this is being kept in the dark about what is happening. okay, maybe not so much of being kept in the dark but more of, I would totally tell you the moment it happened to me if it did but you didn't tell me.
That's the biggest problem with me I guess. I expect people to do the same to me as I do unto them. I expect people to be nice to me when I'm nice to them. I expect people to put in the same amount of effort into birthday presents if I put in lots of effort for theirs, I keep count who I gave presents to and who didnt give presents to me. I expect people to reply me fast and efficiently, because I reply people instantaneously. I expect,,, a lot from people.
How on earth do you actually stop expecting so much from people? How do you be selfless and give without expecting any return?
This feeling sucks, I'm on airplane mode again. And I'm scared, I'm scared of getting off it. I'm afraid, so afraid that there'll be no notifications.
I'm afraid.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
11:03 PM
Saturday, March 8, 2014
1.38am
I chose to type in this white box once again. To type incoherently about all the things going through my head right now because I just simply can't fall asleep. It's not that I'm not tired, it's not that I don't want to sleep.
But there are simply too many things running through my mind.
Or maybe, just because the night didn't end well. The day didn't start off well either. Started of with him talking about having a dream about me getting pregnant and then he asked to go for an abortion and we argued about chinese or western abortion methods in the dream. And I don't really know if this is right but I inferred that that means that he subconsciously also thinks that I'm okay with abortion. But I'm not. We argued for like 30 mins just after I woke up over this issue. And technically we're both not wrong and not right either. (I mean if it was that easy it wouldn't be some controversial issue that we have to think about in SD lessons or GP lessons right.) But to me, it was like a chance to see his moral viewpoint and maybe, his character as well. How he is like as a person. Then it dawned on me that I only knew him for a week before falling for him.
Till now, I still don't know how this works. I don't know how anyone falls in love with someone without fully knowing that person well enough. This doesn't mean that I dont love him. I do. But I don't know how we are so brave, so so brave to give your all- your heart, your body, your soul, how are we so brave to give our everything to someone we don't really know completely? How are we so brave to trust that we will be able to overcome problems together without any consequences?
Or perhaps, with all the hormones and emotions coming into play, all we can think about in that moment is about how much you like that person, how you only think about that person 24/7, how you want that person. You don't think about issues like this.
Like what sophia said to me once, that I still remember because it really made a lot of sense. We were talking about our relationships and she said that she had already dated her boyfriend for already 3 years and I was like wow, you guys are so stable, being able to last this long at this age isn't easy at all. And she said that, yeah, they're lasting quite long and all right now, but because it's their first relationship and they're lasting this long, she will start thinking about issues like, is this really the person she wants to marry? Is this really the person she's going to be with all her life?
The amount of effort, love, tears and hurt you put into a relationship is equivalent to the amount of doubt you have to the future of the relationship. The longer the relationship, the more the doubt. And this is probably only valid because of our current age.
But love is about keeping the promise anyway, I won't run away.
Don't change for me, stay who you are.
-.
NTU open house tomorrow, or rather, today.
I honestly have no idea where I'm going to go in life. It's unfair. It's really really unfair how we have to decide our lives at 18. I understand that we don't have a choice and the system has been like that since forever. But seriously, deciding your lives at 18 is ridiculous. And it's only going to be a waste of resources, money and effort when you get a degree for a course of study you realise it's now what you really want after attaining it.
But that's only for people that have a choice anyway. I don't have a choice.
Like what miss baptist said at the first tutorial lesson of the J2 year. Choose your courses, don't let your courses choose you.
Too bad I didn't heed her advice. Didn't study hard enough, didn't put in enough effort. And I got the results I fully deserve. Horrible results.
DCE/CDA.
Where can I go? Which school would want to take me in?
perhaps not attending the lecture with someone I know is good also, at least I won't be distracted by anything and can listen attentively.
I seriously hate how uncertain my future is.
--.
Who do I want to be? What do I want to be? Who do I want to be with? Is this what I really want? What can I do? How am I going to go about doing it? What do I really want?
So many questions left unanswered that even blogging cannot help me to feel better.
---.
Sorry for taking it out on you recently. I'm sorry.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
1:58 AM
Sunday, February 9, 2014
And here am I typing in this empty space once again. I should really get back into the habit of blogging. Shall attempt to blog at least once a week from now on but my long nails are really a burden haha. I can't even type properly now, much less play the piano. I've been trying to relearn my grade 8 pieces and I feel like really happy when I suddenly can play the song without even sight reading notes. It's as if my fingers remember the pieces by themselves, they know where to go next and all before I even read the notes haha. but I really need to cut my nails if i want to relearn properly. but I just cannot bear to cut my nails, seriously. Too pretty already HAHA. #bimbo
Gained 2kg during CNY period. Fuck my life. Too fat for my own good. I don't know how you can still love me despite all my fats and everything. I don't know how you can love me when I'm barely as pretty as them. i don't know how you can love me when I'm no where as good as them. I don't know how you can love me. when I can't even love myself properly.
3 months into this relationship, nearing the 4th month in 10 days, I can only say that this is the only true and real relationship that I had.
Never loved so much, never worried so much. Never felt so insecure. never felt so genuinely happy on a date.
I don't really know how to put this into words, but I just really love everything about this relationship. From the long bus rides with us sleeping on each other to the many different things we do together although we constantly have no idea on where to go. But what I really love the most is actually you coming over to my house and leaving at 11pm. I love how I dont have to worry about my parents anymore. I love how we just lepak on my bed and talk. It all feels so nice and I really just don't want you to leave my home. Just stay here with me?
I know I'm not a good enough girlfriend. I everything also say 'I cannot'. I don't dare to take the first step to many things, you often say that you're the cowardly one. But honestly, I'm not any better. I don't dare to go gym, don't dare to play pool and all. I don't want you to see the incapable side of me...
I'm just growing fatter and fatter thanks to my job as well actually. Everyday do nothing but eat and sit down for hours doing telesales or stapling seriously. Am I in sales or am I working for a factory production line. This job is fucking ridiculous. So fucking monotonous, how many times have I repeated my speech seriously. I just want to give up, I keep telling people I dont want to work anymore, but at the same time the super competitve side of me just wants to keep working harder and fight to get top 5 sales. sometimes I tell myself it's impossible and then sometimes I'm just like no, it's possible. I can do it. I don't know which side of me to listen to.
Luck is when opportunity meets with preparation.
This is probably the most meaningful thing I've gained from this job. apart from some sales skills are are actually a pretty valuable experience.
That feeling when you receive your paycheck is pretty incredible tho haha.
Okay so, my wife got a new boyf recently and he's really cute and all and I'm genuinely happy for her. I really hope this relationship of hers will last (since she's flying off to japan and LDR is difficult and all.)
And so she has the exact same problem as me - with her boyf having a crush on this girl for years, getting rejected after confessing, but then still continuing to like the girl anyway.
SOUNDS SO DAMN FUCKING FAMILIAR DOESNT IT.
the moment she told me that I was like omg I totally relate. seriously. but at least she doesnt have to deal with the double insecurities since kenji doesnt have an ex.
That feeling of insecurity seriously, you wonder if you're just a substitute, you wonder if he really loves you, you wonder if this is worth it, you wonder if this is going to last, you wonder if one day you'll get hurt, you wonder if one day you will hurt him. you wonder where this is going to go, you wonder if one day you realise this isnt going to go anywhere.
but you're still in the relationship anyway.
I've learnt how to stop stalking your ex, and to stop comparing myself to her. To stop even thinking about her and to stop mentioning about her. I'm starting to learn. Actually, I realised, I never changed. It's just that I've finally sort of gotten what I want. Someone that I love more, and someone that I cannot get. okay not that you're someone that I cannot get because you're actually mine right now, but maybe. you're someone that I'm really afraid of losing, someone i dont want to lose and that's why i treat you as someone that I cannot get so I constantly make the effort in trying to make you interested in me and to get you to continue to love me.
And then I realise I'm incredibly stupid because I randomly decided to visit your blog after months, expecting no new posts at all, but I found 3 new posts that I've not read before. You blogged about the new year, the first quarrel and your insecurities about army.
And I just felt really loved after reading the posts because I realised you've afraid to lose me as well. I realised things that you never told me.
I'm not looking forward to the army seriously. I dont want you to go. I dont want anything to happen to this relationship. But if I really love you, we will be able to get past this together right? Let just let this be a test to how much I love you then, I dont ever want to hurt you tho. You've been hurt way too much for someone with so little love showered upon. I want you to feel all the love and care and concern I have for you tho I don't know how to.
this post is so bloody skitzo, I have to wake up at 5.30am tomorrow because I have to be at TJC at 6.30am tomorrow because my work is ridiculous I MEAN WHO WORKS ON A SUNDAY AND WHO WORKS FOR MORE THAN 12 HOURS A DAY (SERIOUSLY IT'S AGAINST SG'S LAW.) but yes. I'm doing it anyway.
less than three, G.
?You're like a queen and beautiful
10:54 PM
Monday, December 23, 2013
So, I haven't really typed a proper post in this space since,,, forever?
The only time I've took the time to type in this pretty georgia font was maybe when I got together with yiheng to record what happened.
I didn't even bother recording down what happened between Gerald and me. Maybe because I finally realised that there's isnt really a point in recording it down because I'll remember what I want to remember anyway (at least until I get amnesia or something).
I really miss typing my incoherent thoughts out here. It was something I did on such a daily basis back in SN. I hate As for eating up all my time ufhg.
But I'm really thankful, I've never felt so grateful in life. Looking back in the past 8 years of my life maybe, I'm really glad how everything worked out so smoothly, whoever is up there, looking down on me, taking care of me, I thank you sincerely from the bottom of the blood pumping muscle in my chest, protected by the ribcage.
I thank you for all the friends that I've met in these 8 years that never left me no matter what happened, Sonia, Sarah, Lianne, Genevieve, Ziting.
I thank you for my not so stellar O level results that lead me into CJC, that led me to the many amazing people I met in 2T28, guzheng ensemble and CJ in general: Judith, Winnie, See Yin, Phina, Ping Xin.
I thank you for all the boyfriends that I had and the one I'm dating right now as well: Isaac, Yiheng, Gerald.
I'm really a very very lucky girl. So lucky, so fortunate, that I feel afraid.
I'm really terrified that one day, this luck will be used up and when I fall, I'll fall so deep that I have no idea how to recover.
Today, I started working. It was the first job of my life and though it was only a 5 hours job (with excellent pay) I learnt a lot and once again felt extremely privileged. I worked in a team of 4 with a senior that closed 3 deals with around 1.1k sales, a 22 years old crazily bubbly girl that has experience that closed 2 deals wtih around 1.3k sales and another 18 years old girl with experience of a few days that closed around 5 deals but only had around $900 sales.
And then there's me, with zero experience, closing 4 deals, with around 1.6k sales.
Maybe, I'm made for the sales and marketing sector with this talent of mine where I can't stop talking. HAHA.
It was fun though, and it was nice to hear how the 22yo and other 18yo compliment me on how I have the aura of a leader and I also felt quite good hearing the senior say that I was prim and proper and idk, good in general haha.
I never expected my first job to go so well. I hope I get into Halogen for the internship, although the pay isnt really the best (actually pretty low) but for the experience and my interest in events management and youth, it's probably worth it :)
The interview last friday went pretty well I guess, but it probably went the same way for the other 27 applicants. 28 hopeful applicants with only 5 vacancies. It's a tough fight. I'm not quite sure how I fared, but I guess I could attempt applying for emitasia if it fails and I'll probably get in considering how I managed to get top sales for today HAHA.
Oh, I mentioned that I felt privileged. It was probably because the other 18yo, behaved as if she was still in secondary school. She was actually impressed with ALMOST EVERY SINGLE THING in RGS. It was just a very ordinary school to me. The only thing great about the school, was the fact that it's RGS. I was just like, imagine her in SN, with the newly renovated campus and everything. It just made me realise, that I took everything for granted in SN. I took the people I mixed with for granted. They spoke proper english, with proper pronounciations and acted their age, if not more mature.
I am honestly so grateful that I chose SN, and the fact that my results took me to CJ where the culture is so similar to SN with good people, people that you can treat as family and pretty much just make friends everywhere you go in the school. (Not that there's any less bitching and gossip, but that's what makes it fun isnt it ;))
Hmm, now that things are going so well, I guess the only thing that I have to face next is the release of the As result in March, which honestly, I think, will be the worst set of results of my life. But hey, I thought that my Os result was bad and it took me to CJ and everything turned out alright. What's the worse that can happen even if I fail my As right? There are so many other paths I can take in this life I guess.
Yes, you can change your fate by studying hard to pursue your dreams. But for me, I had no dream. I still don't have one. I only have a vague idea of what I don't want to do. Wherever my results take me, I believe that it'll be the best for me. It was the amount of effort that I had put into, it was what I deserved for studying- or not studying for that matter.
Guess I'll just have to face reality when it knocks on my door.
Right now, life is pretty awesome with dramas and occasional work and dates. Oh and christmas ;)
Christmas this year will finally not be lonely. I still remember christmas '11 where I emoed while watching DGM cause I had no date for christmas and everyone seemed so happy celebrating christmas haha.
This year, things will finally be different because I actually have someone that is really special to me to spend it with me. I don't know how I actually got my wish and found someone that I love more that loves me back. I don't know if what i'm feeling is supposed to be how i'm feeling. Because to know that you love someone more than how that someone loves you, Idk. It just doesn't feel good. But I'm glad that at least he loves me back, though it may not be as much as my love for him. I guess it's just because I was used to being the one being showered with endless love and just reciprocating for the past 2 relationships. Now, I'm am the one being proactive in giving love, I'm not just reciprocating. I'm in love, not in love with love. Finally. I guess being the one loving more is benefial to this entire relationship thing for me anyway, at least now I'll not feel like running away. Now, I don't care if I can't flirt with other guys because even if I want to, and even if I did. It will not lead to a break up like the last time, because I just need a hug from G, and I'll know that's where I want to belong to. And it actually really helps that my family knows of my relationship as well because now I can finally go on dates openly, stay over, and even let G come over. It feels good, to finally not have to hide anything from my family. I really really like this :)
And now, it's time to continue the xiaoshuo that I was working on, until I get bored or get a writer's block and decide to watch a new drama or something. :)
(Just finished the master's sun and it was a reallllllly good drama. The OSTs are so good ide. ;))
?You're like a queen and beautiful
9:15 PM
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
16 days to the A levels and I'm still no where near PASSING my subjects. Not even one of them out of the 5. Pretty screwed I must say and here am I still typing away in this space. Well it's been a really long time. And why is it that I only blog when I get a boyfriend or breakup omg.
Okay, so update on my life:
I got attached 19 days before the A levels. WHO DOES THAT? Me.
But no regrets, because I reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaallly reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally like gerald. Why do I like him so much, I dont know. I sound like a fucking slut in every single blog post but ah whatever. I don't give a shit. There are actually many things to record about this relationship, but I realised there isn't a need to because I probably wont be able to forget anything related to gerald.
I just really really like him<3 p="">
?You're like a queen and beautiful
12:26 AM
Monday, July 8, 2013
And it's back to not knowing what I want again. Just how many times do I have to go through this. Just when will I actually know what I want... And when will I stop hurting the people around me that love me. I really, don't deserve all this love.
I just simply can't see myself spending forever with someone. Not even forever, just I can't even see myself spending an extended period of time with someone. It's not like I don't like/love him. But it's just
me. Perhaps like what sonia said, I only like the people that I cannot have. Which kind of sucks. Maybe I really /should/ just stay single for the rest of my fucking life and stop going around hurting the people around me just because of me and my indecisiveness and because I don't fucking know what I want. It's not like I don't like how this relationship is like, I mean it does have its problems, but it's not like any relationship is perfect. So what exactly is your problem trini? (why oh why does this sound so familiar, maybe mrs tian, you should ask me this question again. WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM, TRINI? and throw that stack of paper in my face or something to slap some sense in me when I was sec 4 or something. was she even holding on to papers, I can't remember. but uhfg whatever does that even matter now.) so yes, what is the problem. Is the problem because I just /like/ other people around me? And I always end up feeling guilty. like xy. I can spazz over just a 10 seconds direct eye contact with him. like. SPAZZ SPAZZ kind of SPAZZ. and I wonder say, everyone is out of the equation and somehow xy likes me too and we get together and,, will I still spazz over him? Maybe yes, maybe no. So it's back to me liking people that I can't have. And it's kind of back to like how when I /wanted/ to break up with isaac I was thinking about how I'll be meeting so many new people in my life /if/ I get into a university? and even if I don't get into a university, I'll still be meeting new people anyway. And it's back to how I'm a slut and how I don't have faith in myself that I can stay in a relationship without spazzing over someone else and feeling guilty. I like everyone okay. and I hate everyone too. what am i even talking about uhfg.
why am i such a slut lol.
Gen once told me that someone told her when she broke up with vincent that 5 months is actually pretty long for a /first/ relationship and the whole point is to get into as many relationships as you want to find out what exactly you want.
isn't that really selfish. but at the same time, it kind of makes sense.
but still, it's selfish.
haha.
like how i am now.
fuck
me.
right.
I just really feel the need to get into a relationship with me liking the guy muchmuchmuch more than the guy liking me and then him breaking up with me so that I can feel the pain of whatever pain I'm inflicting onto him/ had inflicted onto others before. Maybe karma will hunt me down next time and I'll end up single for life so that I can stop breaking hearts.
what do you want, trini?
?You're like a queen and beautiful
11:58 PM
